Improving Self Awareness: Embodied Relationships

Original Post in April 2003, “The Wirth Report”

I would like you to begin a list of all the qualities and values of your perfect partner. Who is she or he? What is she/he about? How do they express themselves? What do you absolutely love about him/her?

You could just use this list to find a partner. But you're not going to do that right now. You're going to use this list to access your own true self.

There is an ancient principle that simply says - what you desire in another is what you crave to express in yourself. For the majority of us, this is irrefutable. Lots of us collect people (like trophies) in an effort to fulfill this desire. Yet, as too many couples discover, it's not what makes a relationship healthy or everlasting. And over time, you end up resigned that you'll never be or develop those qualities in yourself.

A very simple practice can aid you in breaking the pattern of looking externally for the manifestations and expressions of your own Divine nature.

So pick three qualities that you admire in others that you don't see in yourself (consult your Desire List). Each day do something that expresses these qualities. For example, if intelligence fits the bill, pick any subject that you love and create a list of all that you know about the subject. If after reading the list you feel that you want to expand your knowledge, it’s time for research. It’s also time to be a seeker of information and your own truth. 

If you love the go-getter type, but would call yourself the bystander type, you’re probably attracted to the courage and initiative. This suggests that it’s time to get out on the skinny branches and take some appropriate risks. Building these kinds of qualities in yourself will translate into personal freedom and fulfillment. And with that newly created magnetism, you’ll draw amazing people to your dating door. So get ready!

Since writing this article in 2003, an approach to building and supporting healthy relationships has emerged called embodied relationships. In this approach, “embodiment involves a mutual intention to attend to and communicate from our inner experience”. At the core of this approach is building an acute awareness of oneself.  

Building a list of qualities you desire in another is just one of many ways that you can build that awareness for yourself.  On the surface, it may look like a dating exercise, but if you stay with it a little longer, something deeper begins to reveal itself.

With the Embodied Relationships approach, we go from thinking about “who do I want” or “what qualities in the past made me happy to be around” and move instead to ask “what is happening inside of me when I’m drawn to this?” Naming the qualities and analyzing the patterns is only the cognitive part of the process. There’s also a physical and emotional experience happening in real time. Those inner experiences carry information and learning to recognize that information empowers you to act.

Those actions could be experimenting with those qualities you’re seeking within yourself or walking away from a potential partner whose qualities bring up heightened emotions that aren’t so positive. Through improved self-awareness, you’re able to better understand your needs and desires and to eventually share those with another person and build a healthy partnership based on empathy and meaningful connection. 

If you’d like to learn more about the Embodied Relationship method and get started with a mentor, you can ……