The Stories We Tell Ourselves After Rejection

Original Post was titled "Let's Be Friends" and was published in the March 2003 issue of "the Wirth Report"

Probably you've heard - let's be friends - come out of the mouth of someone that you were interested in romanti­cally. Well when that happens, the tendency is to respond in one of two ways.

The first response is one of ne­gation. Even though the per­son has affirmed your value and a place in their life, all you hear is - let's just be friends. Within seconds, you're judging and evaluating yourself (not good enough to date) and/or the other person. Maybe one of these thoughts raced through your brain: she'll regret it later on, or I'm too good for him anyway.

The other response that people choose is one of force. Even though the person has said clearly that they want to be friends - meaning not inter­ested in dating - you make it your personal (often secret) mission to prove to that person just how fabulous you really are. You believe that once they "see the light," they'll step into a romantic relationship with you!

It's pretty clear that there's no cheese down either of these tunnels. Both responses dis­empower you, and often mis­direct important energy. The result: you deny yourself genuine friendship and rob yourself of real romantic op­portunities. So a healthy response to being told let's be friends would include:

• Letting go of an expecta­tion that the person will ever want more (you may want to even visualize that person in a relationship with someone else)

• Redirecting your interests to people who are date possibilities (ask other people out)

• Spending time with the person that you're shifting your focus from fantasy lover to genuine friend only within a group context (one-on-one time with him or her, right now, will only confuse you); and

• Giving yourself permission to be disappointed about the loss of your dream. be honest and real with yourself. When you cover up your hurt or disappointment, it generally shows up somewhere else in your life (and often is destructive).

And remember, being someone's friend is an honor.

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New Post

When we hear the phrase "let's be friends," we often want to make sense of why this is happening and work to tell ourselves a story. Some of those stories may be:

"I'm not enough"

"I messed this up"

"They don't see my value"

"They'll regret it"

None of these statements are necessarily fact. They are often quick assumptions made based on past lived experiences, created to help us live with the natural discomfort of rejection.

What the person is actually saying is that they don't want a romantic relationship with you. Whether they want a friendship with you or not, they know that this is not a good fit romantically, and nothing you can do or say will change that.

Though it's natural to stray from this truth and add "right now" or "the you they currently know", etc. it's better to feel the discomfort of the rejection and move forward with the truth.

You can be disappointed without deciding there's something wrong with you. You can remember prior moments of rejection without it becoming the whole narrative. You can accept that this is something you have no control over.

Accepting what is true, will bring clarity and allow you to refocus your energy into things that are mutual and open you up to other connections. Most importantly, it invites you to have a different relationship with yourself.

One where your worth isn’t negotiated in someone else’s uncertainty.

One where you don’t have to shrink or prove.

One where you can feel your feelings, notice the stories you tell yourself, and move forward stronger and more confident with yourself.

In a world where ghosting is more common, this phrase is a gift that provides you with the opportunity to look within yourself with curiosity and grow.