Listening to the Tone of Your Inner Voice

Original Post in April 2003, “The Wirth Report”

Most of us are aware, when we’re awake, that we’re not sleeping. But are we conscious about what and where we are focusing that awareness? Guess what? Lots of us aren’t. And we actually have a choice in the matter of what and where we focus our attention! However, choice and judgment are two distinctly different processes.

For example, noticing the guy ahead of me in line drop his soda speaks to what my awareness is focusing on. But thinking he is clumsy or calling him an idiot (in my brain) for the two drops of soda that hit my leg is pure judgment.

When my clients become aware of the pervasiveness of the judgments that they make about others, their healing process almost always involves a shift to gaze inwardly to uncover the judgments that they make about themselves.

Perhaps that’s why Sally - who secretly concluded that she’s not smart (which is a nice way of saying “is stupid”) - got nasty and attacked when she was corrected or coached. So when her boss gave comments on a report, Sally’s reaction was, “She’s an idiot. She doesn’t know what she wants. And she’s a Bitter Betty.” An awareness of this formerly subconscious process, combined with an awakeness in the moment, has given Sally the opportunity to see her boss as a mentor. Awareness fostered an awakeness that now yields contribution and personal growth. Now her boss’ comments are used to make great work, exceptional work!

Robert’s friends gave him the feedback that he was “negative.” This took him by surprise. But as we delved into his social life, he uncovered a tremendous amount of judgment toward other peoples’ appearance and dress. “Flashy dressers are egotistical attention getters, and the body beautiful people are shallow,” were his conclusions. Robert’s inward glances uncovered his self-perceptions: “I’m boring, unstylish, and my body sucks.” Robert’s healing process involved exploring and creating his own personal fashion style, and hiring a trainer to assist him in reshaping his own body. Now he’s able to be with people he had previously shut out!

The original article makes an important distinction between awareness and judgment. We notice something, and then almost instantly, we assign meaning to it.

However, what often goes unnoticed is how that meaning is delivered. 

The tone. It’s not the words alone, but also the energy behind them.

The voice in your mind that says:

• That was stupid!

• You always do this!

•  What is wrong with them?

• They should know better!

  
  

For many of us, that voice is so familiar we hardly question it.

It can sound sharp, dismissive, impatient, and critical. Sometimes it’s directed towards others and often it’s directed towards ourselves. 

Because it lives internally, we may not recognize how much it shapes the way we move through the world.

However, just as much as tone matters out loud, it matters inside ourselves. The way you speak to yourself in your own mind has consequences. 

Some examples of this is:

• A harsh inner tone can make feedback feel like an attack.

• It can turn ordinary mistakes into evidence of failure.

• It can cause you to interpret others through suspicion, defensiveness, or comparison.

  
  

What feels so relevant in the reflection above is that the tone we use toward others often mirror the tone we’ve internalized toward ourselves. Sometimes the work is not simply noticing what you’re thinking, but noticing how you are speaking inside.

Ask yourself these questions about your internalized voice: 

• Is the voice punitive or curious? 

• Does it rush to condemn or pause to understand?

• Is it the voice of discernment or the echo of an old wound?

  
  

This is especially worth noticing now because we are living in a time of chronic stress, uncertainty, and overstimulation. Many people are carrying more internally than they show externally, and under pressure, the inner voice can become even more reactive, more absolute, more impatient, and ultimately less kind.

Gaining awareness begins with a very simple task: to listen. You don’t have to fix every thought or create toxic positivity inside of you. Just listen to notice the tone that meets you when you make a mistake, the one that appears when someone disagrees with you. Notice the tone that rises when you see something in another person that unsettles you.

Developing awareness of that tone will create a choice and space. You can choose to use that space to soften, to interrupt an old pattern, or to ask yourself how you can relate to yourself differently. 

Sometimes healing begins not with changing your circumstances or who you are as a person, but by changing that voice that has been narrating your experience all along. 

The tone of your inner life matters. It shapes what you believe is possible, how you see others, and over time, it shapes the kind of compassion you’re able to offer to others and to yourself.